| yesterday i had to stay til almost 7:00 because some woman was coming in at 6 to interview for this job. i couldn't help but feel like a little brat when i buzzed her in and (nicely) told her to take a seat while dr. ko finishes up with his last patient, especially because i was sitting behind this desk talking on the phone with my friend about drinking the night before and how tired we were and if we had plans for later and whatever. i could feel like she was judging me a bit and maybe judging my ssn for hiring a little juvenile like myself but she doesn't know that i'm just filling in for the regular receptionist here because that girl got KNOCKED UP~ OHOOOOOOOOOO! anyway, while i was on the F train coming in today, i sat at the seat adjacent to one of the doors so i would have someone sitting next to me only on one side. after a few stops, this lady came and sat in the seat next to mine and (this is kind of weird to say but) she was like..emitting this immense heat onto my left side, even though our upper arms or legs weren't touching at all. i guess my body temperature could have been a little lower because i was in the air-conditioned train longer than she was, but then i began to suspect if this wasn't the doings of a general kindness, some sort of warmth in her personality. while for me, wherever in my heart should there be space for personality traits such as sympathy, compassion, sensitivity, etc, there lies nothing but ice ice baby, ice. i don't think indifference is something that can be like..genetically inherited, or is a prevalent quality embedded into someone's nature since birth, but rather the result of constant disappointment and/or wrong conviction that can eventually make a person so jaded that they give a vibe that says "i no longer care". i feel like my everyday presentation is exceptionally effortless and really could do without a harsh comparison from the woman who sat next to me on the train today. but i'm glad she reminded me that the way i'm leading my life is definitely not onto a one-way street; i know i'm capable of change, also capable of warmth. i have a lot to give, but i don't feel compelled to reveal that side of me just yet, nor do i feel that (other than my closest friends,) anyone deserves to see. someday, someday.. |
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